when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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