Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
