What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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