Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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