Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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