I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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