I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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