We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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