Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
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