it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
