R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wanna go halves on a baby?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
