My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
