my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
