Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
