I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
