i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
