My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
