i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
