Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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