Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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