Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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