There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
