Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
