You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
