I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
