the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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