Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
