Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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