that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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