I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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