I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize