Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
