my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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