She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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