i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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