Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
