So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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