What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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