so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
