mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
