U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
