so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
