I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
