that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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