I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
