I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
