My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
