Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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