just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
