This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
