Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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