My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
